The Ice Queen Personality
I have been writing a personality column for Natural Health, where each month I provide some insight into different personalities. Here is some insight into The Ice Queen Personality. Does this sound like anyone you know?
Conventionally, Ice Queens are physically attractive women with off-putting personalities and repulsive attitudes. They are very narcissistic and have little regard for another’s interests and feelings; they show little or no empathy. Ice Queens exude an air of determination and steely anger beneath the surface, causing others to tread lightly when they are around. From her point of view, you have to be really special before she allows you, often temporary, emotional access. Deep down, however, she is lonely, fearful and compensates with an inflated icy exterior due to an extreme sense of vulnerability.
Ice Queens come in different types. Some are known as ‘Iron Ladies,’ and are usually in high political office where they make a point of showing they are tougher than the rest and are not to be messed with; think Margaret Thatcher. At other times they can be seen as ‘The Baroness’ – ruthless, cold, and demanding. Some other identifying traits include:
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They cannot, or do not, want to empathise with another person’s experience, point of view, or concerns, no matter how desperate that person is.
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They come across as disrespectful, cold, unfeeling, and contemptuous of other people.
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They are chiefly concerned with their preoccupations; their needs and thoughts matter above everything else.
Negatives
If the Ice Queen doesn’t already sound bad enough, here are some more negatives associated with this personality type:
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Nobody likes working or being with people who walk around with an attitude of ‘I’m-better/more important/more attractive/more wanted/more special’ than you.
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The superficial smiles of Ice Queens don’t fool those who work with her, which can make working conditions uncomfortable.
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Unresponsive, disinterested, and detached people don’t make for good company, so only those desperate for conversation or help approach the Ice Queen.
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The narcissism of Ice Queens provokes anger rather than cooperation and friendliness among coworkers, so she’s either ignored or avoided.
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Even when Ice Queens thaw momentarily and appear friendly, people feel the need to remain on guard, fearing they will get sucked into a narcissistic trap.
Positives
Don’t worry – there are also some positives to the Ice Queen:
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The fierce independence (or appearance of independence) the Ice Queen shows can be off-putting, but also admirable.
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Ice Queens’s value logic more than displays of emotion, and can be skilled problem-solvers when it comes to practical tasks at work.
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Their air of formidable fearlessness make them good candidates for leadership positions at work, although coworkers might complain behind their back.
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When an Ice Queen likes you, she will go out of her way to support you, even if it’s only for a while.
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Ice Queens remind us of the value of putting our foot down sometimes, and refusing to be another’s doormat.
How do I deal with an Ice Queen?
If you find yourself in contact with an Ice Queen, here are some ways to make the experience easier on all involved:
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Keep relationships at work with an Ice Queen on a professional footing. She doesn’t want inane chit-chat, and will respect your professionalism, even if she doesn’t say so.
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Ice Queens aren’t fun-lovers, so steer clear with such suggestions, and don’t invite her for coffee over lunch. If you want to be nice, buy the coffee, put it on her desk when she’s there, smile, and walk away (and expect her to leave it until it’s undrinkably cold).
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Appeal to her sense of logic when you talk to her. She will relate to you on that level.
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Thank her for her insights in a matter-of-fact way.
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When you can see past the external exterior of an Ice Queen and recognise her fear of vulnerability, she will try and avoid you like the plague. Don’t run after her saying you understand, unless you want to energise her inner demons.
Am I an Ice Queen?
You are an Ice Queen if:
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Others have told you more than once that you are full yourself, and don’t care about what other people feel and think.
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You think you are better than anyone else.
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You become defensive when people show an interest in you, or ask about how you are doing.
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You think people don’t deserve your friendship, because you are too good for them.
How can I stop being an Ice Queen?
Here are some steps to help you melt away your cold exterior:
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Your negative and defensive stance towards emotions – those of others and your own – is robbing you of the fullness of experience. Simply by acknowledging the presence of emotions in you, and allowing them to be, without analysing or trying to suppress them, is a good, though difficult, step towards feeling better about yourself
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Everyone is vulnerable in some way. Trying to pretend that you are not, and hiding behind a steely outer facade does not fool anyone. Take risks by showing your vulnerability around those you trust.
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Your inner loneliness and isolation are self-induced, and can cause much psychological harm. Allow people to be friends with you on their own terms, rather than making demands on them.
Categories: Psychology
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The Role of Default Mode Network in Health Decisions 
Optimism Bias and Health Behaviour: “It won’t happen to me!” 
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy 
Health Psychology Consultancy 
Yes this is deffo me..i need to thaw out in 2014..brill read
Is it possible for an ‘Ice Queen’ to be a male
You could be an Ice King – what makes you ask? Can you spot some of the signs?
Most definitely. I’ve spotted almost all of the signs in my actions.
I’m an ice queen, but not in the same way as this article says. I don’t think I’m better than anyone–in fact, I’m an ice queen due to the fact that I’m shy, insecure and awkward at making conversation. Since I don’t want to fumble and act lame (so sad), I instead cross my arms and stay silent. But people are intimidated by me and tells me I’m snobbish (sigh).
Hi Katherine. I can see how shyness could also come across as ‘icy’ or ‘cold,’ however I wonder if people are more just not sure how to approach you or whether you want to be approached?
I think I’m an ice queen, my problem is of course an intense fear of humiliation and vulnerability, but I have to recognize that it doesn’t bothers me being this way, I like to be respected, I’d rather be feared than loved because I genuinely do not care about people, plain and simple, if you are not my family or friend you are fair game. Also I’m very sarcastic. The point is, that when it comes to relationships I can’t let my guard down, it makes me very anxious because I don’t want to, but I know i need to, I can’t ask what I can’t give. I’m so full of contradictions, because I often expect to be accepted as I am, since “he is lucky to have me”, but sometimes I feel like I’m the one who is not enough for him.
I think I’m an ice queen, my problem is of course an intense fear of humiliation and vulnerability, but I have to recognize that it doesn’t bothers me being this way, I like to be respected, I’d rather be feared than loved because I genuinely do not care about people, plain and simple, if you are not my family or friend you are fair game. Also I’m very sarcastic. The point is, that when it comes to relationships I can’t let my guard down, it makes me very anxious because I don’t want to, but I know i need to, I can’t ask what I can’t give. I’m so full of contradictions, because I often expect to be accepted as I am, since “he is lucky to have me”, but sometimes I feel like I’m the one who is not enough for him.
I never knew I was an ice queen until one of my friends told me that a boy liked me, but was afraid to talk to me because of my cold exterior. Apparently, everyone at school thinks that I think I’m better than everyone else, stuck up, and that I think that no one’s good enough for me. Please help, what do I do to stop this? The boy is the boy I like, and I have no idea what to do to get him to approach me or talk to me.
I got reading this article due to a multitude of reasons, one is that I reasons was that I have signs myself of this, partly due to PTSD. I was wondering if an abusive homelife would contribute to this? And to clarify no I do not think I came from one, emotionally charged yes, but abusive no.
Hello. I think I am an ice queen. There reason why is i say is, say for instead there is a guy who shows an interest in me and tells me about his feelings and the feelings aren’t mutual I tell him listen I get you but I don’t feel that way about you but thanks I appreciate it.I think I become an ice queen when they start texting constantly asking why is that? Maybe we should hang out more and hey I really like you. When they do this and i get irritated and annoyed and that’s when I’m an ice queen. I ignore their messages and when they wanna see me I make up excuses because I’m simply not interested and I never understand why they can’t just accept that and move on… I need to know, does this make me an ice queen?
I find a lot of signs match on some days but a lot of days I can’t bear to look in the mirror I just find my face so repulsive. There’s nothing wrong as such with my face that I particularly hate. It’s the whole thing. My face is dead and hostile my eyes are worse. Completely cold and emotionless. I try to smile but my face looks disgusting most of the days. I can’t bear to look at the my photos even the ones in which I thought I looked perfect.. with narcissistic view as you described but after a few days my face begins to look like an abomination and all I can do is just ignore it. I am in a relationship which for the first time seems to be going well and stable largely due to him.. he was warned about me being a difficult person before.. and he thinks I’m beautiful which is too generous of him. I love him very much but he is the only person I interact with other than my family and I can’t seem to get out of my shell. Sometimes it’s like you said I hate people finding them stupid and flawed and sometimes I just get bored..and because I’m no god people dislike me just as much. Sometimes I put on a facade of being very ‘social’ but I feel like everyone can see the bluff and then I go back in the shell. I don’t know how to change it. I think it might be too late to change.
Hello there Anonymous friend!
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way about yourself. It sounds like you’re struggling with negative self-perception and finding it difficult to connect with others, despite being in a stable relationship. It’s important to remember that everyone has their own unique beauty, both inside and out, and it’s often our own self-perception that can distort our view of ourselves.
It’s worth considering that our perception of our appearance can be influenced by various factors, including our mood, self-esteem, and mental well-being. If you’re feeling down or struggling with self-confidence, it can make it harder to see yourself in a positive light. It may be beneficial to explore these feelings with a professional, such as a therapist or counselor, who can provide support and guidance in addressing these challenges.
Regarding your interactions with others, it’s normal to have moments of frustration or boredom, as well as times when you feel the need to retreat into your shell. However, maintaining healthy relationships often involves a level of vulnerability and open communication. It might be helpful to work on gradually opening up and expressing yourself to others, including your partner. Sharing your thoughts and concerns can deepen your connection and allow them to better understand you.
Remember, personal growth and change are always possible, regardless of age or past experiences. It’s never too late to work on improving self-perception, building self-confidence, and developing healthier social interactions. Seeking professional help can provide you with the necessary tools and support to make positive changes in your life.
I’m a true ice queen. I only freeze people out when they don’t get me. I’m a bit of a loner cause I enjoy my own company. Very few people I can tolerate and I just realize I’m better off as an ice queen.
Im Ice Queen who doesn’t think Im better than others, (but I used to in my early 20s). Im not afraid to be vulnerable. I just dont see the point. Im not insecure for the most (unless my OCD is being triggered), people just get on my nerves. I love people but I need alot of alone time although I am mildly extroverted. I dont like small talk but I will do it when it is beneficial to myself or someone else.
Wow Angela,
It sounds like you have found a way to embrace your individuality and enjoy your own company, which can be a valuable trait. Being comfortable with solitude and having high standards for the people you allow into your life is not necessarily a negative thing. However, it’s important to strike a balance and maintain healthy relationships with others, even if you prefer spending time alone.
While it’s fine to have preferences and boundaries, completely freezing people out when they don’t understand you might limit your opportunities for growth and connection. It can be worthwhile to try and communicate your thoughts and feelings to others, giving them a chance to understand you better. Not everyone will “get” you, but fostering empathy and understanding can lead to deeper connections with those who are willing to make the effort.
Remember that relationships can bring joy, support, and different perspectives into your life. Being open to the possibility of meaningful connections while staying true to yourself can lead to a richer and more fulfilling life overall.